By SilentNoMore, 2020-06-20
Well... my troubles started when my birth dad died from cancer. So I was fatherless for a while and then I got in a bad car accident and my brother died but luckily I was ok. Then it was just my mom and I for awhile until my mom remarried a guy named Jaimie. At first he started being super strict, but was also like a step dad to me. Then the abuse started to happen. He started drinking a lot and doing drugs and get angry a lot and take it out on me. He hurt me a lot and by age 8 I had lots of pain from getting beaten and hurt a lot. When I was about 9 Jamie started to make me undress for him, and he would take pics of me and take videos. He threatened to hurt me if I told anyone so I didn't talk at all unless someone talked to me first. After a while it escalated to him touching a lot and a lot of force touching when I walked in a room. Then I just got quiet and stopped talking all together. He would punish me if I spoke or anything so I tried to be quiet. By age 10 he started sexually assault me a lot. He would force me to be sexual and I had no choice. By that time I completely lost my voice. I never talked, I never asked for anything, and I couldn't even tell anyone cause I was too scared. By age 11 and 12 Jamie started to bring friends to sexually assault me too. They would pay him to force me to have sex with them. I couldn't do anything. I had no voice, no strength, I wasn't even allowed to cry. By the time I was 13 the sexual, physical and verbal abuse happened throughout the day. My mom finally couldn't stand me being tortured anymore and she stepped in and pulled him off me. Jamie shot her when she was just trying to protect me. She gave her life to me. She made him stall long enough so I could call the police. When the police finally came they arrested him and I was finally free... well physically. You see he had abused me so long that he got into my mind and controlled me. Majorly of the reason why I'm still learning to speak again was because he would get in my head and tell me not to talk. He'd say in my head "don't talk you're being dramatic, don't be so needy, you shouldn't say that you'll sound stupid, etc" and he also made me fear lots of things. Maybe things will change in the future but currently I am too scared to even sleep in a bed because he'd come in my room while I was asleep and he would sexually abuse me so I prefer to sleep in small places. He also made me fear going out and thinking someone was behind me grabbing me from behind cause he would do that if I tried to run away from him. He'd always say bad things about the way I look now I am close to anorexic because of him. There was alot of terrible things Jamie did to me. He even made the r-word say it or hear it so I say sexual abuse instead. He makes me have panic attacks in my sleep and he took my voice. But I'm getting it back!!! I'm learning to not be afraid to ask for something. I'm learning to go outside more and be happy. I'm learning to love myself and be happy. I'm talking alot more then I have in years and I'm progressing still every day. I have anew family that loves and cares about me so much and I love and care about them too. So to momma and dad I love you both so much. Thank you for everything you have done for me. And to everyone else out there struggling, it's going to be ok I promise. Once you find the right people, everything is gonna turn out ok.